Its been hard thinking of Frank lately

I'm listening to mass this Sunday morning.  I'm also crying because we cleaned out Frank's medicine drawer today.  Everything was thrown out.  I am sad by it, but its been almost a year, and I don't want to remember his taking pills 3 or 4 times a day.  I want to remember the fun times.
I want to remember the snuggly times.
I want to stop crying every time I walk his walk at the fairgrounds.

Its still sad and painful.  I need to make it happy memories that make me smile, but it isn't happening.

When will it start to happen?


I'm hiding my pain and that's not good.  Most people would think, its just a dog.
He was my best friend.  He helped me get through cancer.  I tried to make his heart failure comfortable.  I couldn't fix it, though.  I couldn't cure him.

Now I'm crying again.  I miss him so much my heart hurts.  I pray there is a God and he lets me be with my little guy again one day.  I will be so disappointed if this is it.

One Fine Sunday

So, today I woke up alive.
Still facing a bit of congestion, but that is normal this time of year.
I've been drinking Apple Ginger juice warmed up, and its delightful. Spicy like black pepper on the back of your tongue. 

BD is out shopping.  I'm doing laundry.
My plans are to get a bit of work done, start organizing my desk, and vacuum the guest room.

I'm going to walk Frankie's park and enjoy the day, and maybe visit my parents.

I'm determined to have a good day.

Getting over the loss of a loved one (re-printed from my Cancer Blog)

Even though Frank was a dog, he was my dog.  He was part of my life, and the last year and a half, he was a patient nonetheless.  I was his caretaker, and with that, I would structure my day around Frank and his needs.  He needed to relieve himself (go potty) about every two hours (towards the end), take pills at 6 am, 2 pm, before dinner, and 10 pm.  I made his food.  He also became so used to me being at home, that he developed a serious attachment and would cry when I left.  He still needed his "me time", when I would put him up in his favorite rooms so he could lay on the bed and sun himself.  He could walk and jump just fine, but he wasn't allowed to do stairs in the last 6 months because of his back and his new development of seizures.  I didn't allow him to do the stairs, I should clarify.

Getting over the loss of a loved one is hard.  Last night, I relived his death in my dreams while I was sleeping.  Granted, it was completely different in dream world, but it was my main dream last night.
I still cry all the time.  I tear up when its just me and BD talking about him.  There are pictures of him everywhere, and its not easy to ignore all the times I checked on him during the day, felt him lean up against me at nap time or bed time, and especially during dinner...when he would bully me to take him up to bed when HE wanted to go, just so he could bully me for more Cheerios, his nightly treat.

I think its important to cry when my mind and heart are sad.  I just miss him terribly.  Our world is so upside down right now.  We are starting to get used to the new normal, but I don't like it.  I want to go back in time and have him and hold him again.  Even though he was a dog, he was a loved creature.  He was my little guy and was a big part (the main part) of my life.
I trust something happens when we die.  I have to believe I will see him again.  If there is a heaven and a hell and something inbetween, I want to be so good God will allow me to see Frank again.
God has been good to me.  I begged him to let me live when I had cancer.  I begged him to let me live because I couldn't leave Frank.  He wouldn't understand, and I never wanted him to think I left him and I abandoned him (even if it was because I died).  In the end, I think Frank was holding on and lasted so long for the very same reason.  I don't think he would leave me.  That is true love.
God gave it to me.  I lived and came back to Frank and took care of him while he was sick.  20 months of being sick, and 20 months I might have complained, but I would do 100 more months if it meant I could have him happy and not in pain and with a good quality of life.  The medicine just couldn't keep up anymore, and no matter what I would do, he was getting worse.
God was ready for my boy.  I think he and I both needed to realize that summation.

So, what a long entry.  I'm gong to post this in my Lisa is Living Blog, because I think its an important part of life for me right now.
Be sad when your heart wants you to be sad.  Feeling uncomfortable with the new normal is okay.  Knowing the new normal will at some point be just normal....well, that sucks.  However, its going to happen and that's okay, too...it will happen at the right time.

Happy New Year!

Well, its 2019 and I started the year out strong---with depression.
I have realized its so bad, that my boss at work told me to start a gratitude journal. 
I reflect on what I'm grateful for constantly, and my bad mood does not reflect it.

It might be time for a change at work, it definitely is time for a change no matter what.

There is a new agent at my office who rubs me the wrong way.  He's an idiot, but everyone seems to like him.  He uses the community work station and leaves all his stuff there, like its his personal space. I've asked him to stop--and he doesn't. What really irks me the most is he is one of those people who uses "reply all" to company emails, even when its a personal or not important reply.  I've also emailed him and personally asked him to stop doing that, and he just laughs.  Its so bad it spams up my inbox.  The office personnel seem to think I'm being ridiculous.  I've also been told he has gotten 3 listings in the past 45 days, and I only had 1, so he ranks higher than me. 
I'm going to prove them wrong.
They may be right about my depression--that is hard to control.  I spend a ton of time at home taking care of Frank.  I really can't spend time in the office until after BD comes home.  I just can't.  Frank needs pills every  6-8 hours and pees every 2.  I am not interested in comments that I am ignoring his quality of life.  He has a quality of life because of the care I am giving him, and I am grateful to be able to care for him and work from home as much as possible.

In order to circumvent the idiot that has won over the office, I bought a small travel laptop.  I am going to have our IT guy set it up for me to print at both offices and get online--so no matter which office I'm at, I can print from a desk that isn't the community station---as it is bunked up by so called idiot's stuff.  I've also spammed him in my email.  The downside is I won't get emails from him, so if he ever sends me an offer, I won't get it--until he calls me to ask about the offer.  That's a chance I'm willing to take.  I don't think he will be around much longer anyways.

I did start the gratitude journal.  I'm so mad at my manager for calling me out for being negative, but I do know I am negative.  It all has to change. 

My little frankie

I talk all the time about Frank.  He is a big part of my world, and his health is not good.
This little fighter, he is something else. 
This past week, he had blood in his urine, started an antibiotic and now has had 3 seizures  (that I've witnessed) since.  I'm so concerned, I have left the house twice since it all started.  I'm worried, I'm preparing, and I'm glued to the boy.

This is the toughest thing I have ever faced.  Dr. doesn't want me to bring him in just yet, either, he wants me to call and report daily any changes.  I am to keep him super calm and off stairs/furniture/etc.
Tomorrow is his last day of antibiotics.  Then, I bring in a urine sample to test again to make sure his urine is good and no blood/counts are okay.
I'm a wreck.  Been sleeping on the couch, and, well, actually up most of the night, and napping during the day when I finish working.
I don't want him to suffer, and from his massive want of cheerios, I don't think he is suffering right now.  Of course, I don't even want him to get close to that point.  I'm praying he starts feeling better and the valium starts working.

Its been a rough year.

I wish I followed the motto to Live More this year.
I am almost 42, and I don't feel good about 41, not one bit.
The whole point of documenting my "after cancer" was to help others know there is a light at the end of the tunnel...a light when you survive -- hope it does get better.
Today, I am reflecting back on the past year and not feeling that way at all.

I know I need to change my mindset.  I need to make a clean break.
I think I can start by going through everything.  Make a change.
Dedicate to work more, and to work smarter and be more organized.
Continue to give my all to my dog, my boyfriend, and my family.  I missed so much time this year not seeing my family or spending time helping my parents.
Stop focusing on the krap.  Period.

Enjoy and remember to be grateful each day. Period.

Things are going to change.

Update on Frank/What its like to see a loved one dying

So, Frank was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure in October 2017.  Its been about 10 months.
Frank is my dog, fyi.

Frank is one of a kind, as are most dogs whose owners spoil them.

Frank is up to about 20 pills/day at this point.  He takes benedryl 2x/day, hydrocodone 2/day, Vetmedin 3.5/day, prilosec, sildenafil 2x/day, Lasix 4x/day, Enalapril 2x/day, Spirolactin, and a muscle relaxer or pain medicine if needed (he hurts his back a lot and we think has arthritis, too).
Mornings are the worst.  I thought going potty 2-3x/night was rough, but no longer. 
Waking him up, hearing him cough with every movement is the absolute worst feeling.  I hurt for him, and there is nothing I've found that helps ease that pain.  He hates to eat breakfast anymore. 
He fights every morning pill.
But, by afternoon, he is usually doing better. He can't go on walks anymore because he starts to cough as soon as we hit the street.  The weather really messes with him, too.
I try to take him for little car rides through the subdivision, and he sees his vet about once every 2 weeks.  If he gets excited, he coughs.  If he runs around and plays with his toys, he coughs.

The worst is knowing its not going to get better.  Each day is going to be better than the next.  That is horrible.
He was originally given about 6 months, maybe a year.  We are at 10 months.  We've had a lot of good days.  I won't let him suffer, and I don't think he is suffering other than his cough and the morning routine.
Usually, by dinner time, he takes his pills, eats food, wants to play and wants treats.  So, he feels better as the day goes on.  Some of this is normal aging, I'm sure.  He's at least 10-11 years old, but he could be older.  Some days, he still acts like a puppy.  The pills make him tired, he hates when I stuff them down, but I hope he knows I only do it to help him feel better.

Its a guilt and a pressure like no other.  This is about him, but I am selfish and I mourn on how this sickness affects me.  I mourn on how we don't do what we used to.  I mourn on the future of being alone during the day without him, and it hasn't happened yet.
I mourn for him, too.  I don't want to lose him, and I keep telling him to go when its time.  I don't want to have to put him to sleep.  Who does??? really, who does, ever??  But, I won't let him think I ever abandoned him---I was too scared I was going to die in the hospital before and he would think I left him.  I will be there for him, no matter what.  It just sucks. sucks. plain and simple.