Happy New Year!

Well, its 2019 and I started the year out strong---with depression.
I have realized its so bad, that my boss at work told me to start a gratitude journal. 
I reflect on what I'm grateful for constantly, and my bad mood does not reflect it.

It might be time for a change at work, it definitely is time for a change no matter what.

There is a new agent at my office who rubs me the wrong way.  He's an idiot, but everyone seems to like him.  He uses the community work station and leaves all his stuff there, like its his personal space. I've asked him to stop--and he doesn't. What really irks me the most is he is one of those people who uses "reply all" to company emails, even when its a personal or not important reply.  I've also emailed him and personally asked him to stop doing that, and he just laughs.  Its so bad it spams up my inbox.  The office personnel seem to think I'm being ridiculous.  I've also been told he has gotten 3 listings in the past 45 days, and I only had 1, so he ranks higher than me. 
I'm going to prove them wrong.
They may be right about my depression--that is hard to control.  I spend a ton of time at home taking care of Frank.  I really can't spend time in the office until after BD comes home.  I just can't.  Frank needs pills every  6-8 hours and pees every 2.  I am not interested in comments that I am ignoring his quality of life.  He has a quality of life because of the care I am giving him, and I am grateful to be able to care for him and work from home as much as possible.

In order to circumvent the idiot that has won over the office, I bought a small travel laptop.  I am going to have our IT guy set it up for me to print at both offices and get online--so no matter which office I'm at, I can print from a desk that isn't the community station---as it is bunked up by so called idiot's stuff.  I've also spammed him in my email.  The downside is I won't get emails from him, so if he ever sends me an offer, I won't get it--until he calls me to ask about the offer.  That's a chance I'm willing to take.  I don't think he will be around much longer anyways.

I did start the gratitude journal.  I'm so mad at my manager for calling me out for being negative, but I do know I am negative.  It all has to change. 

My little frankie

I talk all the time about Frank.  He is a big part of my world, and his health is not good.
This little fighter, he is something else. 
This past week, he had blood in his urine, started an antibiotic and now has had 3 seizures  (that I've witnessed) since.  I'm so concerned, I have left the house twice since it all started.  I'm worried, I'm preparing, and I'm glued to the boy.

This is the toughest thing I have ever faced.  Dr. doesn't want me to bring him in just yet, either, he wants me to call and report daily any changes.  I am to keep him super calm and off stairs/furniture/etc.
Tomorrow is his last day of antibiotics.  Then, I bring in a urine sample to test again to make sure his urine is good and no blood/counts are okay.
I'm a wreck.  Been sleeping on the couch, and, well, actually up most of the night, and napping during the day when I finish working.
I don't want him to suffer, and from his massive want of cheerios, I don't think he is suffering right now.  Of course, I don't even want him to get close to that point.  I'm praying he starts feeling better and the valium starts working.

Its been a rough year.

I wish I followed the motto to Live More this year.
I am almost 42, and I don't feel good about 41, not one bit.
The whole point of documenting my "after cancer" was to help others know there is a light at the end of the tunnel...a light when you survive -- hope it does get better.
Today, I am reflecting back on the past year and not feeling that way at all.

I know I need to change my mindset.  I need to make a clean break.
I think I can start by going through everything.  Make a change.
Dedicate to work more, and to work smarter and be more organized.
Continue to give my all to my dog, my boyfriend, and my family.  I missed so much time this year not seeing my family or spending time helping my parents.
Stop focusing on the krap.  Period.

Enjoy and remember to be grateful each day. Period.

Things are going to change.

Update on Frank/What its like to see a loved one dying

So, Frank was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure in October 2017.  Its been about 10 months.
Frank is my dog, fyi.

Frank is one of a kind, as are most dogs whose owners spoil them.

Frank is up to about 20 pills/day at this point.  He takes benedryl 2x/day, hydrocodone 2/day, Vetmedin 3.5/day, prilosec, sildenafil 2x/day, Lasix 4x/day, Enalapril 2x/day, Spirolactin, and a muscle relaxer or pain medicine if needed (he hurts his back a lot and we think has arthritis, too).
Mornings are the worst.  I thought going potty 2-3x/night was rough, but no longer. 
Waking him up, hearing him cough with every movement is the absolute worst feeling.  I hurt for him, and there is nothing I've found that helps ease that pain.  He hates to eat breakfast anymore. 
He fights every morning pill.
But, by afternoon, he is usually doing better. He can't go on walks anymore because he starts to cough as soon as we hit the street.  The weather really messes with him, too.
I try to take him for little car rides through the subdivision, and he sees his vet about once every 2 weeks.  If he gets excited, he coughs.  If he runs around and plays with his toys, he coughs.

The worst is knowing its not going to get better.  Each day is going to be better than the next.  That is horrible.
He was originally given about 6 months, maybe a year.  We are at 10 months.  We've had a lot of good days.  I won't let him suffer, and I don't think he is suffering other than his cough and the morning routine.
Usually, by dinner time, he takes his pills, eats food, wants to play and wants treats.  So, he feels better as the day goes on.  Some of this is normal aging, I'm sure.  He's at least 10-11 years old, but he could be older.  Some days, he still acts like a puppy.  The pills make him tired, he hates when I stuff them down, but I hope he knows I only do it to help him feel better.

Its a guilt and a pressure like no other.  This is about him, but I am selfish and I mourn on how this sickness affects me.  I mourn on how we don't do what we used to.  I mourn on the future of being alone during the day without him, and it hasn't happened yet.
I mourn for him, too.  I don't want to lose him, and I keep telling him to go when its time.  I don't want to have to put him to sleep.  Who does??? really, who does, ever??  But, I won't let him think I ever abandoned him---I was too scared I was going to die in the hospital before and he would think I left him.  I will be there for him, no matter what.  It just sucks. sucks. plain and simple.

Losing my best friend

I haven't been myself lately.  Well, since October.  That's when my best friend was diagnosed with congestive heart failure.  I think I've been depressed this whole time.

Frank is my dog.  We've been together for 8 years.  He is approximately 10 years old.  I adopted him from a shelter.  Sure, I have my boyfriend.  He isn't Frank, though.  Frank and I shared a second floor flat for years.  We walked twice a day, every day up until October when he developed a weird honking cough.  Frank went to work with me.  Frank nursed me when I had cancer.  Missing Frank when I was in the hospital was my motivation to get well.  This little 22 pound of muscle, attitude and fur has been a part of me for so long I am just not coping with it well.

I feel guilty for so many reasons.  I love him so much, and I hate to see him with this diagnosis.  I hate that I have to deal with this diagnosis.  I don't want him to suffer, but I don't want to let him go.
I wish he would pass peacefully in his sleep.  I feel guilty and horrible for getting tired of taking him potty every two hours.  I wonder if I will feel relief after he dies--and that makes me feel awful and like such an evil person for having those thoughts and being so selfish.  I am scared of losing him.  I'm scared of what happens when we die.  I'm scared I will never again feel the love and the bond I have with this amazing little creature. 

Let me be clear:  I have devoted my time to being at home with Frank as much as possible.  I work about 10 hours/week, and I am always tired.  Frank is on lots of medications and takes about 11 pills/day (on good days) right now.  He is not suffering and has a great quality of life.  He does not have the energy he had a year ago.  He coughs when he gets excited.  He pees every two hours.  He wants me to take him for rides.  He wants to go to his favorite places, but he gets too excited in the car--to the point I'm nervous he will pass out or overwork himself.  I don't allow him to run up and down the stairs, so I carry him a lot now.  We found out the hard way if he hurts his back the muscle relaxers cause him to collect more liquid in his chest cavity.  With all of that, I am trying to be the best me and the best nurse I can be.  It is a privilege to be able to take care of him, however long it takes and to help him transition to heaven.  I must believe there is a heaven to handle this.  I believe in God, but I must believe there is a place for Frank to go where I might be lucky enough to see him again when I leave this world.

I've stopped walking--- I feel guilty without my best friend with me- He loves it so much.
I've become lazier than I already am.  AB caught me today eating chocolate chips out of a bag as a snack.  AB also has done more dishes than his fare share lately. Almost all my money is going to work or Frank (meds, checkups, food).

I'm at a loss.  We have had some scary times since October, but Frank is still here, and he is happy to be here.  I made him a new batch of treats today, and I am happy to see him eat them.  I bake or boil chicken breast for him every few days, and I noticed he is starting to get bored of that delicious meal.  I might switch to boiled ground beef for a couple days to just give him a bit of variety...do you see how I think about him and his needs constantly?  He's laying a few feet away from me right now, and I just want to soak it all up.  I don't sleep well, I don't give my boyfriend the attention he needs right now, I just focus on the little one.  My mind is scattered, and I just needed to get that out.

He is a blessing to my life, and I am trying to soak up each day with him, because I don't know how many days we have left.  Its hard to live for me, but making memories with him is most important right now.

My cancer anniversary is coming in February.

That will be my four year anniversary from my diagnosis.  The day I found out I was dying and had cancer.
Its very scary to think of that.  At the beginning of the year, I had a cut on my tongue.  It was like a paper cut on my tongue, with a nasty flap of skin that hurt like a mother.
It hurt for about a week, and I went to see the doctor.  She had no idea what it was, at that point the flappy part was wrinkly and white, because it was kinda dying and drying out.

She wanted me to see a specialist and mentioned the word "biopsy".

I couldn't sleep that night.

I had the fear in me that I was sick again...this was the beginning of it all...again.

I honestly couldn't sleep or think for about 24 hours, but then, the salt water rinses started to help.  The pain got less.  The bump got smaller.  I could talk without pain.
I felt like an idiot.
A complete and utter idiot.

Try telling someone this story that hasn't had a crazy illness or fought for their life.  Try telling a story of how a bump and cut on your tongue led you to think you were going to die and think they believe you.  They won't.  They won't get it.  People won't even validate your feelings.  You are over-reacting. You are silly.
Am I?  Am I?  What happened to me is sheer luck. I am alive today.  But, the feeling of being deathly afraid of getting sick again...its real and its dark.  It is a mindgame.  I know that, but I can't shake it.

I can't seem to get over it.

I am utterly grateful to be alive and I sincerely try to give it my all each day, albeit I am still tired a lot.  I try to savor moments and I sometimes take it for granted, still, but I feel that's living.

When it comes right down to it, though, I am still scared out of my wits to get a new car, have a car payment, buy things, or even work too hard...because if it happens again...then what?

My head is a scary place.

How do you deal with it?  What advice can you give?  This is the time of year when every hot flash and night sweat has me nervous.  A cut on my tongue put me in a mind meld last week--- I didn't talk to anyone about it, either...it made me think awful thoughts.  I even thought I shouldn't put BD through this again.

I need a vacation from my head at this time of year.  Its too much.

I'm living- Dental issues after cancer- reposted from my Leukemia blog

Yep.  It can happen.
It is happening to me.

Last night, my mom asked if it was from the cancer, chemo, or just from my genes/oral hygiene.  I have a feeling its a combo of all of that.
But, can I express that I had daily chemo and lots of it...both IV and orally.  During that time, I used a sponge or a baby toothbrush (no joke) and could not floss or use listerine.  I only used Biotene when I could tolerate the taste (let's make that another topic for another day).  The chemo's main goal was to kill off my blood production so my bone marrow would reset, so to speak.  I would stop making platelets, hemoglobins, and especially we wanted my ANC to drop to as close to zero as possible.  I really feel this played a big part in my dental issues today.