I talk all the time about Frank. He is a big part of my world, and his health is not good.
This little fighter, he is something else.
This past week, he had blood in his urine, started an antibiotic and now has had 3 seizures (that I've witnessed) since. I'm so concerned, I have left the house twice since it all started. I'm worried, I'm preparing, and I'm glued to the boy.
This is the toughest thing I have ever faced. Dr. doesn't want me to bring him in just yet, either, he wants me to call and report daily any changes. I am to keep him super calm and off stairs/furniture/etc.
Tomorrow is his last day of antibiotics. Then, I bring in a urine sample to test again to make sure his urine is good and no blood/counts are okay.
I'm a wreck. Been sleeping on the couch, and, well, actually up most of the night, and napping during the day when I finish working.
I don't want him to suffer, and from his massive want of cheerios, I don't think he is suffering right now. Of course, I don't even want him to get close to that point. I'm praying he starts feeling better and the valium starts working.
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
Sunday, September 9, 2018
Its been a rough year.
I wish I followed the motto to Live More this year.
I am almost 42, and I don't feel good about 41, not one bit.
The whole point of documenting my "after cancer" was to help others know there is a light at the end of the tunnel...a light when you survive -- hope it does get better.
Today, I am reflecting back on the past year and not feeling that way at all.
I know I need to change my mindset. I need to make a clean break.
I think I can start by going through everything. Make a change.
Dedicate to work more, and to work smarter and be more organized.
Continue to give my all to my dog, my boyfriend, and my family. I missed so much time this year not seeing my family or spending time helping my parents.
Stop focusing on the krap. Period.
Enjoy and remember to be grateful each day. Period.
Things are going to change.
I am almost 42, and I don't feel good about 41, not one bit.
The whole point of documenting my "after cancer" was to help others know there is a light at the end of the tunnel...a light when you survive -- hope it does get better.
Today, I am reflecting back on the past year and not feeling that way at all.
I know I need to change my mindset. I need to make a clean break.
I think I can start by going through everything. Make a change.
Dedicate to work more, and to work smarter and be more organized.
Continue to give my all to my dog, my boyfriend, and my family. I missed so much time this year not seeing my family or spending time helping my parents.
Stop focusing on the krap. Period.
Enjoy and remember to be grateful each day. Period.
Things are going to change.
Saturday, August 18, 2018
Update on Frank/What its like to see a loved one dying
So, Frank was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure in October 2017. Its been about 10 months.
Frank is my dog, fyi.
Frank is one of a kind, as are most dogs whose owners spoil them.
Frank is up to about 20 pills/day at this point. He takes benedryl 2x/day, hydrocodone 2/day, Vetmedin 3.5/day, prilosec, sildenafil 2x/day, Lasix 4x/day, Enalapril 2x/day, Spirolactin, and a muscle relaxer or pain medicine if needed (he hurts his back a lot and we think has arthritis, too).
Mornings are the worst. I thought going potty 2-3x/night was rough, but no longer.
Waking him up, hearing him cough with every movement is the absolute worst feeling. I hurt for him, and there is nothing I've found that helps ease that pain. He hates to eat breakfast anymore.
He fights every morning pill.
But, by afternoon, he is usually doing better. He can't go on walks anymore because he starts to cough as soon as we hit the street. The weather really messes with him, too.
I try to take him for little car rides through the subdivision, and he sees his vet about once every 2 weeks. If he gets excited, he coughs. If he runs around and plays with his toys, he coughs.
The worst is knowing its not going to get better. Each day is going to be better than the next. That is horrible.
He was originally given about 6 months, maybe a year. We are at 10 months. We've had a lot of good days. I won't let him suffer, and I don't think he is suffering other than his cough and the morning routine.
Usually, by dinner time, he takes his pills, eats food, wants to play and wants treats. So, he feels better as the day goes on. Some of this is normal aging, I'm sure. He's at least 10-11 years old, but he could be older. Some days, he still acts like a puppy. The pills make him tired, he hates when I stuff them down, but I hope he knows I only do it to help him feel better.
Its a guilt and a pressure like no other. This is about him, but I am selfish and I mourn on how this sickness affects me. I mourn on how we don't do what we used to. I mourn on the future of being alone during the day without him, and it hasn't happened yet.
I mourn for him, too. I don't want to lose him, and I keep telling him to go when its time. I don't want to have to put him to sleep. Who does??? really, who does, ever?? But, I won't let him think I ever abandoned him---I was too scared I was going to die in the hospital before and he would think I left him. I will be there for him, no matter what. It just sucks. sucks. plain and simple.
Frank is my dog, fyi.
Frank is up to about 20 pills/day at this point. He takes benedryl 2x/day, hydrocodone 2/day, Vetmedin 3.5/day, prilosec, sildenafil 2x/day, Lasix 4x/day, Enalapril 2x/day, Spirolactin, and a muscle relaxer or pain medicine if needed (he hurts his back a lot and we think has arthritis, too).
Mornings are the worst. I thought going potty 2-3x/night was rough, but no longer.
Waking him up, hearing him cough with every movement is the absolute worst feeling. I hurt for him, and there is nothing I've found that helps ease that pain. He hates to eat breakfast anymore.
He fights every morning pill.
But, by afternoon, he is usually doing better. He can't go on walks anymore because he starts to cough as soon as we hit the street. The weather really messes with him, too.
I try to take him for little car rides through the subdivision, and he sees his vet about once every 2 weeks. If he gets excited, he coughs. If he runs around and plays with his toys, he coughs.
The worst is knowing its not going to get better. Each day is going to be better than the next. That is horrible.
He was originally given about 6 months, maybe a year. We are at 10 months. We've had a lot of good days. I won't let him suffer, and I don't think he is suffering other than his cough and the morning routine.
Usually, by dinner time, he takes his pills, eats food, wants to play and wants treats. So, he feels better as the day goes on. Some of this is normal aging, I'm sure. He's at least 10-11 years old, but he could be older. Some days, he still acts like a puppy. The pills make him tired, he hates when I stuff them down, but I hope he knows I only do it to help him feel better.
Its a guilt and a pressure like no other. This is about him, but I am selfish and I mourn on how this sickness affects me. I mourn on how we don't do what we used to. I mourn on the future of being alone during the day without him, and it hasn't happened yet.
I mourn for him, too. I don't want to lose him, and I keep telling him to go when its time. I don't want to have to put him to sleep. Who does??? really, who does, ever?? But, I won't let him think I ever abandoned him---I was too scared I was going to die in the hospital before and he would think I left him. I will be there for him, no matter what. It just sucks. sucks. plain and simple.
Sunday, March 11, 2018
Losing my best friend
I haven't been myself lately. Well, since October. That's when my best friend was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. I think I've been depressed this whole time.
Frank is my dog. We've been together for 8 years. He is approximately 10 years old. I adopted him from a shelter. Sure, I have my boyfriend. He isn't Frank, though. Frank and I shared a second floor flat for years. We walked twice a day, every day up until October when he developed a weird honking cough. Frank went to work with me. Frank nursed me when I had cancer. Missing Frank when I was in the hospital was my motivation to get well. This little 22 pound of muscle, attitude and fur has been a part of me for so long I am just not coping with it well.
I feel guilty for so many reasons. I love him so much, and I hate to see him with this diagnosis. I hate that I have to deal with this diagnosis. I don't want him to suffer, but I don't want to let him go.
I wish he would pass peacefully in his sleep. I feel guilty and horrible for getting tired of taking him potty every two hours. I wonder if I will feel relief after he dies--and that makes me feel awful and like such an evil person for having those thoughts and being so selfish. I am scared of losing him. I'm scared of what happens when we die. I'm scared I will never again feel the love and the bond I have with this amazing little creature.
Let me be clear: I have devoted my time to being at home with Frank as much as possible. I work about 10 hours/week, and I am always tired. Frank is on lots of medications and takes about 11 pills/day (on good days) right now. He is not suffering and has a great quality of life. He does not have the energy he had a year ago. He coughs when he gets excited. He pees every two hours. He wants me to take him for rides. He wants to go to his favorite places, but he gets too excited in the car--to the point I'm nervous he will pass out or overwork himself. I don't allow him to run up and down the stairs, so I carry him a lot now. We found out the hard way if he hurts his back the muscle relaxers cause him to collect more liquid in his chest cavity. With all of that, I am trying to be the best me and the best nurse I can be. It is a privilege to be able to take care of him, however long it takes and to help him transition to heaven. I must believe there is a heaven to handle this. I believe in God, but I must believe there is a place for Frank to go where I might be lucky enough to see him again when I leave this world.
I've stopped walking--- I feel guilty without my best friend with me- He loves it so much.
I've become lazier than I already am. AB caught me today eating chocolate chips out of a bag as a snack. AB also has done more dishes than his fare share lately. Almost all my money is going to work or Frank (meds, checkups, food).
I'm at a loss. We have had some scary times since October, but Frank is still here, and he is happy to be here. I made him a new batch of treats today, and I am happy to see him eat them. I bake or boil chicken breast for him every few days, and I noticed he is starting to get bored of that delicious meal. I might switch to boiled ground beef for a couple days to just give him a bit of variety...do you see how I think about him and his needs constantly? He's laying a few feet away from me right now, and I just want to soak it all up. I don't sleep well, I don't give my boyfriend the attention he needs right now, I just focus on the little one. My mind is scattered, and I just needed to get that out.
He is a blessing to my life, and I am trying to soak up each day with him, because I don't know how many days we have left. Its hard to live for me, but making memories with him is most important right now.
Frank is my dog. We've been together for 8 years. He is approximately 10 years old. I adopted him from a shelter. Sure, I have my boyfriend. He isn't Frank, though. Frank and I shared a second floor flat for years. We walked twice a day, every day up until October when he developed a weird honking cough. Frank went to work with me. Frank nursed me when I had cancer. Missing Frank when I was in the hospital was my motivation to get well. This little 22 pound of muscle, attitude and fur has been a part of me for so long I am just not coping with it well.
I feel guilty for so many reasons. I love him so much, and I hate to see him with this diagnosis. I hate that I have to deal with this diagnosis. I don't want him to suffer, but I don't want to let him go.
I wish he would pass peacefully in his sleep. I feel guilty and horrible for getting tired of taking him potty every two hours. I wonder if I will feel relief after he dies--and that makes me feel awful and like such an evil person for having those thoughts and being so selfish. I am scared of losing him. I'm scared of what happens when we die. I'm scared I will never again feel the love and the bond I have with this amazing little creature.
Let me be clear: I have devoted my time to being at home with Frank as much as possible. I work about 10 hours/week, and I am always tired. Frank is on lots of medications and takes about 11 pills/day (on good days) right now. He is not suffering and has a great quality of life. He does not have the energy he had a year ago. He coughs when he gets excited. He pees every two hours. He wants me to take him for rides. He wants to go to his favorite places, but he gets too excited in the car--to the point I'm nervous he will pass out or overwork himself. I don't allow him to run up and down the stairs, so I carry him a lot now. We found out the hard way if he hurts his back the muscle relaxers cause him to collect more liquid in his chest cavity. With all of that, I am trying to be the best me and the best nurse I can be. It is a privilege to be able to take care of him, however long it takes and to help him transition to heaven. I must believe there is a heaven to handle this. I believe in God, but I must believe there is a place for Frank to go where I might be lucky enough to see him again when I leave this world.
I've stopped walking--- I feel guilty without my best friend with me- He loves it so much.
I've become lazier than I already am. AB caught me today eating chocolate chips out of a bag as a snack. AB also has done more dishes than his fare share lately. Almost all my money is going to work or Frank (meds, checkups, food).
I'm at a loss. We have had some scary times since October, but Frank is still here, and he is happy to be here. I made him a new batch of treats today, and I am happy to see him eat them. I bake or boil chicken breast for him every few days, and I noticed he is starting to get bored of that delicious meal. I might switch to boiled ground beef for a couple days to just give him a bit of variety...do you see how I think about him and his needs constantly? He's laying a few feet away from me right now, and I just want to soak it all up. I don't sleep well, I don't give my boyfriend the attention he needs right now, I just focus on the little one. My mind is scattered, and I just needed to get that out.
He is a blessing to my life, and I am trying to soak up each day with him, because I don't know how many days we have left. Its hard to live for me, but making memories with him is most important right now.
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