I haven't been myself lately. Well, since October. That's when my best friend was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. I think I've been depressed this whole time.
Frank is my dog. We've been together for 8 years. He is approximately 10 years old. I adopted him from a shelter. Sure, I have my boyfriend. He isn't Frank, though. Frank and I shared a second floor flat for years. We walked twice a day, every day up until October when he developed a weird honking cough. Frank went to work with me. Frank nursed me when I had cancer. Missing Frank when I was in the hospital was my motivation to get well. This little 22 pound of muscle, attitude and fur has been a part of me for so long I am just not coping with it well.
I feel guilty for so many reasons. I love him so much, and I hate to see him with this diagnosis. I hate that I have to deal with this diagnosis. I don't want him to suffer, but I don't want to let him go.
I wish he would pass peacefully in his sleep. I feel guilty and horrible for getting tired of taking him potty every two hours. I wonder if I will feel relief after he dies--and that makes me feel awful and like such an evil person for having those thoughts and being so selfish. I am scared of losing him. I'm scared of what happens when we die. I'm scared I will never again feel the love and the bond I have with this amazing little creature.
Let me be clear: I have devoted my time to being at home with Frank as much as possible. I work about 10 hours/week, and I am always tired. Frank is on lots of medications and takes about 11 pills/day (on good days) right now. He is not suffering and has a great quality of life. He does not have the energy he had a year ago. He coughs when he gets excited. He pees every two hours. He wants me to take him for rides. He wants to go to his favorite places, but he gets too excited in the car--to the point I'm nervous he will pass out or overwork himself. I don't allow him to run up and down the stairs, so I carry him a lot now. We found out the hard way if he hurts his back the muscle relaxers cause him to collect more liquid in his chest cavity. With all of that, I am trying to be the best me and the best nurse I can be. It is a privilege to be able to take care of him, however long it takes and to help him transition to heaven. I must believe there is a heaven to handle this. I believe in God, but I must believe there is a place for Frank to go where I might be lucky enough to see him again when I leave this world.
I've stopped walking--- I feel guilty without my best friend with me- He loves it so much.
I've become lazier than I already am. AB caught me today eating chocolate chips out of a bag as a snack. AB also has done more dishes than his fare share lately. Almost all my money is going to work or Frank (meds, checkups, food).
I'm at a loss. We have had some scary times since October, but Frank is still here, and he is happy to be here. I made him a new batch of treats today, and I am happy to see him eat them. I bake or boil chicken breast for him every few days, and I noticed he is starting to get bored of that delicious meal. I might switch to boiled ground beef for a couple days to just give him a bit of variety...do you see how I think about him and his needs constantly? He's laying a few feet away from me right now, and I just want to soak it all up. I don't sleep well, I don't give my boyfriend the attention he needs right now, I just focus on the little one. My mind is scattered, and I just needed to get that out.
He is a blessing to my life, and I am trying to soak up each day with him, because I don't know how many days we have left. Its hard to live for me, but making memories with him is most important right now.
