Lately, I've been glued to fb. I don't know why, I just have.
I'm not as busy as I would like to be at work, and my mind loses focus and I am always catching myself checking my facebook.
Now, I know it can be a great marketing tool in my profession, so I try to post things on my public page a few times a week. I also try to make comments on my friends pages to keep me 'top of mind'.
Today, though, I decided to put it down and leave it be until Tuesday.
Today, I saw pictures from one of my closest friends recent wedding. She was one of my dear friends in high school, albeit it a super long time ago. She never really would post anything on facebook...until this past week...including her fabulous wedding photos. She looked great, everything looked perfect (maybe that's just it...everything looks too fun and perfect with other's posts).
It was depressing. Depressing for me, as I saw other people we went to high school with that she obviously stayed in touch with...and I wasn't one of them. More and more, I notice that the people I went to high school with really don't care about me and never did. I was never someone's good friend that they wanted to keep touch with. I need to hold on and pause: There are 2 people that I have kept in good contact with. I love them with all my heart, and I am super happy for them always. They are the best. The 60 or so others from high school that didn't care I had cancer or just don't make any comments on my posts...screw them.
What is exactly my addiction? Is it having friends? Is it having conversation? Is it knowing I'm 'liked'?
Who knows...maybe a little of both. Any way you look at it, I noticed it makes me feel lonely and depressed, and that is not good for me at all.
I decided when I got better not to hold onto the past, but sometimes I feel like I am scared to succeed, try, or jump because I might get sick again. What if I relapse or the dreaded feeling of a new cancer strikes? I've been holding it, using it as a crutch, and I might die any day...from anything. I am not guaranteed another day. Heck, I thank God I wake up every morning, because I feel I have used a lot of my nine lives already. I lost track --- hoping I have a few left.
This rant just helps me firm up I need to get my butt in gear. Get out there, start living, make new friends (real ones!) and enjoy what time I have on this Earth. God gave me a loving family that I am super close with, an awesome and amazing boyfriend I love, a wonderful career that gives me flexibility unlike any other, and my best friend, Frank the tank (my dog).
Hope you are having a great weekend. More to come soon, I'm ready to LIVE!
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