That will be my four year anniversary from my diagnosis. The day I found out I was dying and had cancer.
Its very scary to think of that. At the beginning of the year, I had a cut on my tongue. It was like a paper cut on my tongue, with a nasty flap of skin that hurt like a mother.
It hurt for about a week, and I went to see the doctor. She had no idea what it was, at that point the flappy part was wrinkly and white, because it was kinda dying and drying out.
She wanted me to see a specialist and mentioned the word "biopsy".
I couldn't sleep that night.
I had the fear in me that I was sick again...this was the beginning of it all...again.
I honestly couldn't sleep or think for about 24 hours, but then, the salt water rinses started to help. The pain got less. The bump got smaller. I could talk without pain.
I felt like an idiot.
A complete and utter idiot.
Try telling someone this story that hasn't had a crazy illness or fought for their life. Try telling a story of how a bump and cut on your tongue led you to think you were going to die and think they believe you. They won't. They won't get it. People won't even validate your feelings. You are over-reacting. You are silly.
Am I? Am I? What happened to me is sheer luck. I am alive today. But, the feeling of being deathly afraid of getting sick again...its real and its dark. It is a mindgame. I know that, but I can't shake it.
I can't seem to get over it.
I am utterly grateful to be alive and I sincerely try to give it my all each day, albeit I am still tired a lot. I try to savor moments and I sometimes take it for granted, still, but I feel that's living.
When it comes right down to it, though, I am still scared out of my wits to get a new car, have a car payment, buy things, or even work too hard...because if it happens again...then what?
My head is a scary place.
How do you deal with it? What advice can you give? This is the time of year when every hot flash and night sweat has me nervous. A cut on my tongue put me in a mind meld last week--- I didn't talk to anyone about it, either...it made me think awful thoughts. I even thought I shouldn't put BD through this again.
I need a vacation from my head at this time of year. Its too much.